I just simply can not sleep tonight.
I don't know what happen to my mind. Is it because I'm lonely, that I find everything is not good enough? including myself.
These past days was devastating. I feel like I've lost my 'mojo'. I hate everything and tired of everything. The mid term has passed. I don;t think that I did it very well. I didn't studied as hard as I usually do. Maybe because it's different from high school. I used to be so motivated and passionate during high school. The system was very easy to trick there. You just gain trust from a teacher, do good in their class, they'll compare you to another student, the next thing you do is to show your face once in awhile in the teacher's lounge and suddenly all of the teacher will brand you as a good student, cause you know, teachers gossip.
I was a thunder. Believe it or not, I was a good person. Yes. I tricked teachers to think I am good, for the sake of my grades. But, it's not that easy you know. You've also had to be a good person in real life. I socialize very well. My friends like to take advice from me cause they believe that I am wise. I kind of missing that right now. It's not that I've lost my wisdom. It's just because there's nobody around to talk to, to solved problems off them, Believe it or not, wisdom fades you know. And I've drowned to this belief.
During the past devastating days, I fell in love with my senior. She's in her third year and I'm in the first year, regarding the fact that she and I are in the same age. She's a nice young woman that I've actually put my eyes into from the first days of college. She has glasses, which made her look smart as she is. She's very attractive too, with her hair, her eyes, her skin, damn she's perfect. Yes, maybe I'm shallow, but nobody fell in love on your personality at first sight right? People only care about appearance. Even though I hated myself to admit this. It's all because of my other senior who is a friend of her who told me that she adore my performance in a party. I dared myself to talk to her, and later on, to text her and I never regretted it even for a second. You know me, when I fall in love, I'll be the craziest person alive, at first to myself. I saved her photos, put her in my favorite person list on social media. Also I texted her. A lot. She sent me text too even though she was with a guy whom I heard is trying to get her. It's like she doesn't want to stop talking too. But then today, I talked to a friend and decided to stop texting her for awhile. Again, you know my When-I-Fall-In-Love rule. My mood collapsed, I became lazy as fuck and just not feeling well. I'm actually scared right now, what if I fell hard on her and she doesn't even know about it,.. or what if she doesn't like me back? It has been a very long time since I love someone this sincere. The appearance shit I was talking about was not really true. I don't know. I just don't know what to write.
My best friend had her sweet seventeen birthday today. I couldn't come. This is the kind of thing that I will regret in my life. When I couldn't make my loved ones happy. In one side I want to come to her birthday and surprise her happy birthday, but in the other hand I can not beg for money to my mom, who worked by her self. She will not get any younger you know. and I just couldn't make it. I'm in a lot of dilemma.
This was not only the problem today, cause this morning.. I got a text from a friend. I was still confused from the fall in love thing with my senior. Then this came: Please make me fall in love with you. I haven't talk to this person in a long time. I don't even know her personality and stuff. I tried to be nice. I gave her like the talk that emphasized she's just confused. I understand that me being polite often confuse girls thinking I'm hitting on them. Gave her more advice about she's not broken at all. She need to work on her circle stuff. and suddenly she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend with an excuse of she has been cheating on him too. She told her ex boyfriend that she slept with many guys including me, I tried to calm down but, hey, who can? This turned into a serious problem. I am afraid that if this issue spread, the senior whom I like would think less of me, even though this is not true. This friend and her are in the same organization. Therefore I cut all contact with this friend. Usually I will deal with this kind of problem and try to fix this kind of person. But this time, is it evil if I don't give a fuck?
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